When they were little, we made rules that suited the situation: NEVER unbuckle your carseat buckles while the car is moving, don't ever touch a plug, stay in your bed during nap time. I had to work hard to remember some rules from those dimly-lit toddler days, OK? - that was a few years ago, folks! Those rules were transitory, right? Thank goodness there's no car seat now, they touch plugs and every other audio/visual opening, and there's no (small sob) nap time.
However, early on in parenting, I noticed adults I respected occasionally saying something like, "My dad always said..." - - - or mom, or parents always said. It made me think about having a few rules/sayings (when do rules turn into sayings?) that these boys would take with them into manhood. So in addition to the temporary "rules", Their Wonderful Dad and I tried to intentionally come up with some things we hope will fall into the Keeper Column, the "Dad always told us..." category, eventually (please, Lord) changing into, "Always remember..." as they speak to their own children! After Jesus' command to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength"*, and likewise higher Biblical commands, we concocted a few to go underneath. Thought I'd share a few, in three occasional posts, that have transitioned well from Toddlerland to Teenland.
Oops! Before that, I want to emphasize two teacher-y things. If you're planning to pass on a few Life Rules to your little people, make sure to say them when they apply to the situation and always say them the same way. These methods create nice, clear memory paths in the brain, sort of like a path through a field of grass. Think of how your learned 'i' before 'e', except after 'c' ... same principle applies here!
Accept Responsibility - This goes all the way back to ol' Adam in the garden, doesn't it? How much would our lives be different if he had accepted responsibility for that first sin instead of trying to blame his dear wife? So when ours were little, this rule came out when the toothbrush was found in the toilet, later - when a backyard gate was left open and the dog ran away, and now -when the computer history shows something it probably shouldn't. If God asks, "What is this you have done?"**, we shouldn't hesitate to follow His example by giving them an opportunity to take responsibility for their deeds AND ALSO a chance to repent for those same deeds.
Do The Right Thing - It's all about choices! So many choices at so many points during a day - 'I'm plum wore out!' (Elly May Clampett) If we could catch them in contemplation, just furrowing their wee, tiny brows, trying to figure out what to do --- that was the teachable moment! The chance to whisper in their ear, "Do the right thing!" Which might've equalled putting peas in their mouth, not up their nose, later - choosing not to use mom's flowers as targets for bow and arrow practice, and now -saying 'no' regarding a party that will include alcohol and minors. We want to equip them to "Choose life.." ***
Clean Up Your Mess - Ah, the constant refrain! This one was a struggle for me, because it seems easier to just not make a mess than to clean one up. I know, that is not realistic, and neatnik - sorry. Occasionally pointing this fact out is a good thing, though, since teenagers must keep this very thing in mind - it is easier to keep your grades at 'B' or above than it is to turn a 'D' into a 'B'. When they are little, everyone uses this, right? "If you got out all the blocks, then Clean Up Your Mess and put them away!" Later, when they unwind all the hoses to irrigate a pond at the very back of your property for the GI Joes to swim in - it is soooooo hard to wind them back up! But they will consider whether or not the fun is worth it, or maybe how to have easier-to-clean-up-fun, if they have to Clean Up the Mess.
Sure would LOVE some feedback on this - I know other more brilliantly phrased sayings are lurking out there! Post your Things You Hope They Remember You Said, maybe in the comments area? Or, if you're all finished with your kids, what do they say you always said ? I hope mine don't only remember the oft-repeated rule: "Pee IN the toilet, not ON the toilet!"
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*Mark 12:30 - Jesus called this the greatest commandment....
**Genesis 3:13
***Deuteronomy 30:19-20 "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him."
Ben and I made a conscious decision to use "you chose." I.e.: If a swat is needed it's a "you chose to disobey so you chose the consequences." (If you know Elly, you know "consequence" is not too big of a word!) The flip side works too. A few weeks ago Elly - all by herself - shredded THREE POUNDS of chicken while I worked on the rest of dinner!! Hallelujah! I could tell her that she chose to be helpful (and exercise self control) so she chose the praise and treat that came at the end of the project. Obviously the treat thing will disappear more as she gets older, but you see where I'm going here. Our idea is that she would see things of life as a series of choices that she has the power to make with the help of Christ. Our (hopeful) thinking is that it will assist us when it comes time to lay out the gospel more and more if we can drive home that she cannot choose to do the right thing without the help of The Right God.
ReplyDeleteDoes any of that make any sense or do I just sound overbearing and annoying?????
My kids are just getting to the age where the choices they make will reflect the way we raised them. I'll let you know how that works out!
ReplyDeleteWe use the same phrase as mentioned in the top comment. I often say, for example, "It was your choice to make the wrong decision." when they complain about their punishment.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand I often say something like "I am glad you chose to help your sister without being asked, even when it interrupted your game." and they seem to respond well to that too.
I am afraid that in the future my children will remember "Mum always said CLOSE THE DOOR THE FLIES ARE COMING INSIDE!!!"
Well, I read this yesterday and had to go away to think about it! Like you, we urge our boys to take responsibility for their actions. Also to tell the truth. But there are other things that can't be summed up in an oft-repeated phrase - they're about a frame of mind and a way of living. Amongst these are 'Do your best', even if your best isn't A grade - we'll be pleased because you gave it your best shot. 'Work out what you enjoy, what your talents are and use them - it doesn't matter if that's not what all your friends do best.' 'I can and I will' when things get tough. And finally I try to encourage a philosophy of admiration and aspiration rather than feeling bad because someone else has something we don't or can do something we can't. I'm sure there are more. And yes - 'pee in the toilet, not on the seat' Ah joy! In fact, you've reminded me of a drawing I did in desperation to go above the toilet when the boys were small. Must see if I can find it and maybe put it on my blog. Or maybe not...! By the way, my last two posts have featured poppies. just thought you might like to know...!
ReplyDeleteOne of the rules my six-year-old daughter knows by heart now is: "No fighting over hair, clothes or food." That means she can't whine when she doesn't like the way a tank top feels on her shoulders or doesn't like the way I chose to do her hair (on the Mommy's Choice days), and can NOT complain about the food on her plate.
ReplyDeleteWe also have "Always tell the truth" and "Remember the Golden Rule" and "Be Respectful."
Oh, and "Mommy always comes back."
I just wrote about discipline issues too, and getting back to basics: http://sixgoldencoins.blogspot.com/2009/06/back-to-basics-aka-old-school-style.html
Thanks for the reminder to use phrases and words that we WANT to be remembered for, not "YOU GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!" Which, I have to admit, has also come out of my mouth. Maybe just once.
Tried counting 1...2....3, never worked, they finished with 4...5...6. Haad to think of something else. Now that my kids are 25,23,21 I don't hardly remember raising my voice to them. We only seem to remember the laughter and the funny stuff. We watch video over and over again on Geni. They do remember me harping "We're only placed here on this earth to help other people" "Life is too short" The Napier Motto. "Try not to live with regret." "If your gonna do something, do it to the best of your ability" Pretty amazing when you hear them preaching these things to their friends and you know you sowed those seeds. Maybe one day I'll be able to get them to all go to church on Sunday without harping about it. My husband telss me its a cycle and they'll do it on their own when they have kids. I have to trust he is right, he usually is.
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